My oldest cousin Katie passed away Tuesday, November 16th, in the early morning hours. She was only six years older than I. I had a restless nights sleep on the Monday before she died as I would wake and worry on how Katie was doing. I was so sad when I learned that she had died. I didn't know the particulars of her passing and worried that it had not been peaceful. I worried over her husband and children and I worried over her parents and siblings, especially Danna. I was overcome with emotion. My poor children had to be sent off to school with a mother in tears. My worries were eased a bit as tenderly Danna called me. How touched I was that she took the time to give me a call. After I got off the phone, I sobbed with gratitude for the blessing of having the gospel and family. What would we do without them?
I was fortunate to be able to spend that Tuesday in the temple, cleaning the chandelier in the Celestial Room. It was very comforting to be in that sacred place. I spent a lot of time thinking of Katie and what she was doing. When those I love pass on, my thoughts always turn to what the next step in our progression is like. It was hard to believe that Katie now knew what that next step felt like.
I desperately wanted to attend Katie's funeral but with it being the day before Thanksgiving, and money being pretty tight, I didn't know how I was going to be able to go. Chris was willing to support me in going, and he was willing to let me pull money from our budget to go but it was hard for me to feel okay with this. He even told me that Thanksgiving had been moved this year to Saturday. I was so grateful for his support but felt that it was selfish to strain our budget so that I could make this trip.
Later that day I received an unexpected phone call from my brother. He wanted to make sure that I was okay. I was a little surprised over his care. He cried with me and instantly I felt a bond with him that I have never felt before. He then told me that he wanted more than anything for me to go to the funeral. I explained that I didn't see how I was going to be able to go. He then told me that he would help me financially to make this trip. Again, I was completely overcome. How and why would he do this for me? I was prideful and found it hard to accept what he wanted to do. Finally, after much persuasion, I accepted his gift.
I began the task of trying to find the cheapest flight out of Bismarck...not very possible on such a short notice. As I researched my options, it became pretty clear that I was going to still need to put in a significant amount of money. I pondered over what was the right thing to do. I finally reached the decision that I would not go. I felt okay with the decision but a sad shadow seemed to cover my mood. When I told my brother that I had changed my mind, he was not too happy with me. He told me to keep trying and that if it was needed he would send more money. I did not feel comfortable with this and told him that I was so grateful for him and for what he was offering to do but I could not go.
Then another miracle occurred. The following day I received a phone call, first thing in the morning. A friend and her husband had been talking the night before and felt a desire to help me. They wanted to donate their flight miles so that I could go. I was stunned! I hadn't said too much to my friend about my troubles in trying to go. I again struggled with pride and couldn't say yes to her but told her I would need to think about it. I planned on calling her later in the day to tell her thank you for the offer but that I would not be going.
My thoughts were pretty busy after that. I had such a hard time understanding why I was being offered these gifts. It was so hard to accept the fact that I could not go unless I accepted what was being offered. I wanted to accept it but felt embarressed over my lack of being able to pay for it myself. Thankfully, I finally came to the understanding that Heavenly Father was using the resources of others to bless me. Again I was overcome. How could I deny such gifts? Joy soon filled my soul as I thought of how blessed I was for good people who know and listen to the Spirit and then respond to the promptings that He gives. Heavenly Father was inspiring them to help me! If I said no them, I recognized that I was really saying no to Him.
How grateful I am for this special gift that has been given to me. I cannot adequately expess how thankful I am. There are certain things that only happen once. I have missed things that only happen once before and oh how I have regretted those choices! This time is one of them and I appreciate the help I have been given so that I can go. I am grateful for Chris who was always willing and strongly encouraging me to go. He was willing to eat rice and beans for the month of December so that I could go. I am grateful for the sacrifice he and my children made so that I could go. I am grateful for my brother(and his wife) and for my friends, who showed such unselfish, Christlike love. I love you guys! Thank you so much for listening to the Sprit and for helping me do something I couldn't have done without you!!
